An Open Letter to California Wildfires

Dear Sir (or Madam?):

As I write, you’re busy sweeping across Northern California leaving 125 square miles of charred land in your wake. You’ve destroyed 48 homes and currently threaten the entire town of Big Sur. An impressive outing, California Wildfires.

But this isn’t the first time we’ve heard from you. The McNally Fire in 2002, the Cedar Fire in 2003, the Canyon and Corral fires in 2007, and that’s just a partial list. We get it California Wildfires. In the land of American Disasters, you reign supreme.

Don’t mistake these words for a rebuke. That’s not my goal. I appreciate excellence in all things, and California Wildfires, your work is breathtaking. No, I write this letter as an open-handed gesture, a caution against doing your work too well, or too often.

Once upon a time, a young man burned his way through California much the same way you have. It seemed he couldn’t be stopped. 1972: Deliverence, 1974: The Longest Yard, 1977: Smokey and the Bandit, 1981: The Cannonball Run. An impressive streak to be sure. But our fair nation grew tired of the young man’s all-American good looks and aw-shucks attitude and, before you could say Stroker Ace, he became the punch line to a joke no one tells anymore.

I don’t want the same thing to happen to you, California Wildfires. If you keep burning up the state you love so much, pretty soon you won’t have anyplace left to hang your hat. And then what will you do? Move to Oregon? I think everyone knows that’s not an option. To be frank, California Wildfires, you come off as being needy.

I suggest you take a cue from your cousin the California Earthquake. He knows he doesn’t need to show up every year begging for attention. One magnificent showing every decade is enough to command the utmost respect from all the beautiful people.

I hope you’ve taken the time to read this, California Wildfires. You’re a beautiful, terrifying act of God that risks becoming almost commonplace. Please take these words to heart and check yourself before you wriggity-wreck yourself.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen