An Open Letter to Google

Dear Google:

First things first, I owe you a kind word. You’ve made my life so much easier. It’s hard to think of a time before you existed. What did I do in 1994 when I wanted to find the lyrics to Queen’s "Fat Bottomed Girls" or search for naked pictures of Helen Mirren? Go to library? But now all I need to do is type a phrase into your handy search bar and the world is at my fingertips. Thank you.

But Google, lately you worry me. It started with Google Earth. The idea that I could type my address into a computer program and instantly see a satellite image of my home was unnerving. Then you unveiled Google Street View. As I write, Google camera vans are traversing our streets in an effort to photograph the “street view” of every address in America. As if that wasn’t enough, now I learn that you’re memorizing every search term you receive. Google, it appears you’re trying to collect the sum total of mankind’s information. That’s something a Bond villain would do.

Remember the profound words of Spiderman’s uncle, Uncle Ben: “With great power, comes great responsibility.” You have the opportunity to provide a service to the world. The free exchange of information can break down barriers and borders, transcend race and class, and topple tyrants. But I suspect that’s not your aim. Google, I suspect your true goal is global rule.

Here’s how I foresee the course of future events. Sometime soon you’ll suddenly disappear from the Internet. Citizens around the world will panic when they’re no longer able to search Google Images for “celebrity nipple slip.” When society seems on the verge of collapse, you’ll appear on transmissions worldwide demanding the combined nations of earth pay you a 500 trillion dollar-per-year ransom for access to the information you’ve hoarded. After the world’s inevitable capitulation, you’ll root out dissent by spying on gmail messages and quickly make arrests because you’ll have clear driving directions. Am I close, Google?!

I fear there’s nothing I can do to thwart your evil plans. But please remember, when you’re deploying your five-stories-high-laser-death-ray to finally root out the last rebel stronghold hidden in the Caucuses, please recall my kind words in the first paragraph and mind your aim.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen