Dear China:
Let’s face facts. Despite your preening, manipulation, and assurances to the contrary, you are in fact an oppressive Marxist regime. Some may choose to ignore the giant dump you’re taking on freedom (NBC and the IOC, I’m looking in your direction) and focus instead on marketing their products to your huge middle class. I assure you, China, I will not look the other way. I cannot be bought! (I can be bought…) Instead I intend to shine the patented Shawn Hannity “Bright Light of Freedom” on your shadowy underbelly and forever shame you and the 2008 Olympics you hold so dear. I now present my case:
Exhibit A: Your Creepy “Women’s” Gymnastics Team
I’m no dope. As a man who’s made it his life's work to spot the barely-legal set, I know an underage girl when I see one. And no fake passport is going to change my mind when you introduce your team of asexual fetuses to compete in the gymnastics all-around final. That is some messed up shit, China! Is winning a gold medal worth using a thirteen-year-old girl to cheat? I suppose with the problems you’ve had with your one-child policy I should count my blessings that you’re able to round up enough “women” to even field a team.
Exhibit B: Denying Joey Cheek a Visa
To be honest, I don’t care about Joey Cheek. He’s a winter Olympics athlete and I think we can all agree that the Winter Olympics are about as compelling as the WNBA Finals. But here’s the deal China, denying him a visa because he founded a charity supporting the people of Darfur only makes it appear as if you have something to hide. Oh wait, you do have something to hide! Your continued support of Sudan only enables the atrocities being committed there. Putting profit ahead of genocide is something bad countries do (see also the American Military Industrial Complex).
Exhibit C: Your 12-Hour Time Difference
What kind of godless country exists one entire day ahead of America? As I write this letter, it’s already tomorrow in China. You live in the future. Is this how you’ve gained your competitive edge? You see events before we do. How can we possibly compete?
Exhibit D: Your Ridiculous System of Government
Somehow you’ve managed to incorporate the worst parts of Capitalism and Communism and infuse them into one soul-crushing system of government that will ultimately be responsible for the end of life on planet earth. Okay, I may be overreaching, but my point stands. You have no problem with your citizens making money, but your giant, shuffling, bureaucratic government, the one who created a sanitized internet, can’t figure out a way to enact air quality standards. Instead, you resort to cloud seeding in the hopes that rain will wash away the smog and you can avoid the embarrassment of the Olympic marathon runners growing horns and prehensile tails around mile marker 16.
I could go on and on. These are just a few of the more egregious offenses you’ve committed in your brief moment in the sun. I’ve made it clear that all is not normal in your country. I’d appreciate it if you’d drop the act and go back to conducting yourself like you’re the subject of a George Orwell novel. That would be double-plus good in my book.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
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