For a brief moment, I was of the believe that the self-check line was the greatest technological advance to hit grocery stores since the debit card reader/pin pad. Those days are gone.
Like the pin pad, the self-check line has become yet another device that confounds the masses, leading to an even longer, more arduous payment process. That which was engineered specifically to expedite checkout has served only to stand as yet another obstacle to those of us self-sufficient enough to bag and pay for our own groceries. It could have been a utopian development; it stands as a disaster.
All is not lost. We can fix this. The keys to unlocking the magic and mystery of the self-check line lie below.
Rule #1: If You Can't Handle the Self-Check Line, Don't Use It
To the best of my knowledge, most, if not all, grocery chains continue to employ checkers (and baggers). If running an item's barcode over a reader and placing the item in a bag is a challenge for you, make use of these woefully underpaid individuals. Split your payment up into six different cards, a handful of coins, and a stack of coupons. Take all the time you need fishing around for exact change. Make small talk with the poor, haggard woman in the middle of a fourteen-hour day, who longs only for a bottle of Hood River vodka and death's sweet embrace. I'm sure she's dying to hear all about how your third-grader won his class spelling bee. You can do all of this and more simply by utilizing the conveniently located, run-by-actual-people checkstands near the entrance to the establishment. Check 'em out sometime.
Rule #2: Familiarize Yourself with Touchscreen Technology
See how the screen kind of looks like a keypad? And those colored icons resemble buttons? Have you ever wondered what might happen if you tried to "press" one? I'll clue you in: the odds of you being bludgeoned by me would decrease significantly.
Rule #3: Feel Free to Employ Common Courtesy
The self-check line is a microcosm of civilized society. At its best, it functions as a close-knit community of like-minded people working together towards a common goal. At worst, it is complete and utter chaos. We can avoid the worst-case scenario by simply being observant and considerate. Let's say two people are standing in line. (On line? It's immaterial.) One has a basketful of assorted goods, the other a pregnancy test. There is one self-check station open. By all reasonable rationale, the individual whose life hangs in the balance should be allowed immediate access to an expedited checkout process, right? And yet, I have seen this very situation unfold with the exact opposite outcome. The greedy, oblivious shopper neglected to exercise common courtesy, and pregnancy-test-holder was forced to endure an extra ten minutes of nerve-wracking torture, nearly suffering a coronary in the process. Perhaps this is indicative of a pervasive sense of apathy among Americans. Or perhaps the fuckhead with sixteen Hot Pockets ought to take a look around before he ambles up to the screen, just to stare blankly at it for the next five minutes. This is why people commit random acts of violence.
Rule #4: Do Not Talk to the Machine
I know that the self-check machine's animatronic voice asking you to "please place your item in the bag" seems human, but it is not. Screaming at it when you can't find the produce department does no one any good, and it makes you seem ill-prepared for today's fast-paced, technology-driven world. No matter how many times you shout, "WHERE ARE THE APPLES?!" the machine will not be able to answer your question. However, if you find yourself in line with me, and you reach a similar impasse, just turn to me and lean in very closely, then ask your question. I will smile politely. Then I will punch you square in your motherfucking face, you fucking idiot.
Rule #5: Move Swiftly
You know what's really fun about watching you complete your transaction and then stare at the screen, as if waiting for it to offer you financial advice or the secret to a rewarding sex life? Nothing. Not one thing. You scanned and bagged your groceries. You paid. Now please move along and let the rest of us reap the benefits of innovation and technology. We don't yet have flying cars or time-travel devices, so the self-check line is as close as most of us will get to the futuristic advances we were promised by the Back to the Future series. Gather your things and move along before I roll up my copy of US Weekly and start swatting you with it, you ill-mannered troglodyte.
Kisses.
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